This is where I managed to get the last time I was working in this journal, but none of it was the same as anything you see now; which is crazy to see just how much changes in a few years . I know that I keep busting these out but I really want to catch up and keep up with doing this! As I said, my journals have been pretty neglected!
In this post I’m going to be doing week five in The 52 Lists Project by Moorea Seal.
List what you would like your life to look like in ten years.
Still happily married.
Maybe one more baby.
Be in our own house.
Both working from home.
Have tried a new lifestyle.
Have less clutter, or eliminate all together.
Being a full-time blogger.
Have checked ten things off my bucket list.
Given back to my parents with a vacation.
Homeschooling my kids.
No more regret.
Feeling proud of who I am .
It’s brief but it’s true!
TAKE ACTION: What are some small steps you can make now to make one of your dreams happen in the future?
I think that a lot of this is based off of simple things, but get better with managing money, healing myself, and developing better communication skills.
We are halfway to catching up to where I’m supposed to be with this challenge and I’d be lying if I said that it’s bothering me; it’s actually been fun!
We are back in this blog post with the fourth week of The 52 Lists Project by Moorea Seal.
List the soundtrack to your life
Perfect by Simple Plan
My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
Hate Me by Blue October
Lose You To Love Me by Selena Gomez
Glad He’s Gone by Tove Lo
I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz
In My Daughter’s Eyes by Martina McBride
Moral of the Story by Ashe
I Think I’m Okay by Machine Gun Kelley
Love Can Be Chosen by Avia Butler
929 by Halsey
Remember This by NF
To me, the perfect album has 12 songs! I even organized them in an order that tells my story. Enjoy!
TAKE ACTION: Make a playlist of these songs as a memento of the person you are at this very moment. Revisit this list.
I created a Spotify playlist where you can listen to the 12 songs I feel describes my life story (so far) the best! Maybe I’ll share a story, diving into each at another time!
Thanks for reading.
What are some songs that you would include in your soundtrack? Let me know! 👇
Back again for the second week of this journey. I’m a sucker for lists and always will be. I was so excited to get my hands on The 52 Lists Project by Moorea Seal; and it has been living on my bookshelf ever since.
I actually attempted doing this back in 2017, which is crazy! I’m really glad that I’m forcing myself to get started because I will keep making excuses; I don’t want to live that way anymore.
Anyway,
Here is week two of the 52 Lists Project!
List your favorite characters from books, movies, etc.
Hmm. If I’m being honest, I don’t know how to answer this one. Most of the content that I surround myself with are inspirational or realistic. Most of my shows and movies are watched with my husband, so, I haven’t really cared to sit to watch an actual thing besides a couple here and there.
I’ll have to really scratch my brain for this one.
Okay, here we go!
TV SHOWS
Jack Pearson from This Is Us Beth Pearson from This Is Us Garrett from Superstore Dina from Superstore Bay Kennish from Switched At Birth Emmett Bledsoe from Switched At Birth Belle from Once Upon A Time Killian Jones from Once Upon A Time Jessica Day from New Girl Nick Miller from New Girl Winston Schmidt from New Girl Cece from New Girl Winston Bishop from New Girl Bob Belcher from Bob’s Burgers Linda Belcher from Bob’s Burgers Louise Belcher from Bob’s Burgers Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl Lara Jean Covey from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before Peter Kavinsky (Movie Version) from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
MOVIES
Wilbur Robinson from Meet The Robinsons Westley from The Princess Bride Belle from Once Upon A Time Killian Jones from Once Upon A Time Eunice from She’s The Man The entire Von Trapp family from The Sound of Music Hallie & Nick Parker and Annie & Elizabeth James from The Parent Trap (Lindsey Lohan version) Chessy & Martin from The Parent Trap Ellison Oswalt from Sinister Danny Zuko from Grease Sandy Olsson from Grease Gerry from P.S I Love You Erin Gruwell from Freedom Writers
BOOKS
John Ambrose McClaren (Book Version) from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han Carl Donovan from Escape From Furnace by Alexander Gordon Smith Alex Sawyer from Escape From Furnace by Alexander Gordon Smith Zee Hatcher from Escape From Furnace by Alexander Gordon Smith Simon Rojo-Flores from Escape From Furnace by Alexander Gordon Smith Alfred Furnace from Escape From Furnace by Alexander Gordon Smith Rosemary Hathaway from Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead Dimitri Belikov from Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead Christian Ozera from Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead Vasilisa Dragomir from Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead Isabella Swan from Twilight by Stephanie Meyer Edward, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Alice, and Renesmee Cullen from Twilight by Stephnie Meyer Rosalie and Jasper Hale from Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Honestly, I’m going to stop there or I will be here ALL night!
That’s crazy how much I remembered while writing this and I’m SURE there are a million more. Ones that I know I will be upset with leaving out. Whew, I’m tired!
TAKE ACTION
Find a common personality trait between your favorite characters. What is one favorite character trait that you admire in your favorite characters that you can work towards this week?
They definitely are all protective of the ones they love AND/OR they’re super funny. I can work towards that by making my loved ones laugh and figure out how I can best protect them.
That one was so long!
I’m really proud that I did it because, well, I almost gave up on this one.
What about you? Talk about it in the comments 👇 on some of your favorites, what they have in common, and how you can work towards that trait that you admire so much.
It took me so much longer than it should have to realize that I deserve to love myself. More often than not, we’re told that other people’s needs and desires must come before our own. If we don’t live this way, we’re criticized and deemed to be “selfish” or “rude”. If we have friends or partners that we put on the side to care for ourselves we’re “toxic” or “fake” and when we are parents, you’re seen as an “unfit” parent for focusing on things that make you happy for a moment.
Whenever I’m asked to pick something out for myself; my go-to is either a notebook or a guided journal. I love self-help books and anything that allows me a space where I can grow.
When you hear about self-care, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Mine was usually a bubble bath with candles, snacks, and a book. But there are SO many different ways that you can practice self-care and the best part? You can pick and choose what YOU love.
Here is a brainstorm on how I would practice self-care in these particular categories! If you find this list helpful, please let me know! If you would add anything (I’m always open to more ideas to try) then leave it in the comments section! 👇
For sure, many of these could fall under multiple categories!
Emotional
Emotional self-care is just what it sounds like, self-care that pertains to your feelings and taking time to explore your emotions.
Write a journal entry.
“Braindump” on your blog, in your planner, or on paper.
Open up about how you’re feeling.
Allow yourself to explore your current feelings.
Teach yourself to acknowledge how you feel, name it, and let it go.
Arrange an appointment with a professional.
Mental
These are activities that stimulate your brain. As a Gemini, I not only love but need to be interested and use my mind to do anything. Here’s the problem for me, I need to enjoy it. So, math problems are OUT!
Do a WordSearch Puzzle
Put together a pretty jigsaw puzzle.
Watch a movie.
Read a book.
Work in a guided journal/workbook.
Color something beautiful.
Draw.
Use your planner.
Play video games
Watch inspirational content.
Learn something new.
Listen to music.
Physical
The best part about this category is it’s the obvious section of self-care and one that you probably do every day. These are self-care activities that take care of your body.
Do a yoga routine.
Have a snack..
Treat yourself to food you have been craving.
Drink water.
Go outside and get some sunshine.
Go for a walk.
Do a physical stimulating activity (such as swimming)
Take a shower/bath
Practical
These are your everyday tasks that you want or need to do. They can range from cleaning to “adulting” duties.
Personally, being social isn’t that important to me as being social drains my energy quickly. Whether this is due to my social anxiety, or I just get too overwhelmed, I can see how being social is a way to practice self-care. So, this is perfect to form relationships or strengthen your existing bonds with friends, family, and your other loved ones.
Call a loved one.
Follow new people on social media.
Text a friend.
Have a date-night.
Visit your parents
Organize a get-together.
Spiritual
The last cateogry is spiritual and this one is definitely going to look different to everyone, depending on what you believe in. I have a blog post about the Universe and how I practice my spirituality.
Check horoscope
Do a Tarot card reading.
Meditate.
Sit in nature.
Try a spell.
Purchase crystals.
Learn something new about astrology or “witchy-ness”
As you can see, there are SO MANY different ways to practice self-care. The important thing is to remember that self-care is not only okay to do, but a necessity!
So, take some time to love and care for YOURSELF. Schedule it in your planner, set a timer on your phone, give yourself permission to take care of your relationship with yourself. Your list will appear different and that’s okay – the purpose is to do something that makes you happy!
Also, Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m personally celebrating with blog work, video chatting with my husband, and watching the second film in the To All The Boys I Loved Before trilogy!
I don’t know about you but I was raised and exposed to unhealthy ways to respond to certain emotions; it left me feeling dreadful and honestly, it sends me into a downward spiral.
It’s so much healthier to acknowledge that your feelings are valid and your reactions are not always controlled. One of the things that drives me the most insane are people who shame those who are more melancholy and “negative” – some people just don’t know how to “properly” cope with their emotions.
So, I found a fun little exercise in my overwhelming Pinterest collection for blog post ideas that you have a plan in place on how you will respond to certain emotions.
So, here we go!
If I’m feeling overwhelmed, then I will make a list so that I have a clean visual instead of a mess in my brain.
If I’m feeling sad, then I will write until it’s all out of me.
If I’m feeling grief, then I will recognize my feelings and remind myself that I didn’t do anything to deserve this pain.
If I’m feeling anxious, then I will make sure that I have taken my medication and make sure I do something that I love.
If I’m feeling lonely, then I will make both of my daughters laugh, call my parents, and text my loved ones. I will remind myself that people care.
If I’m feeling frustrated, then I will make sure to take a deep breath, remember that I will be okay, and give myself a time-out if need be.
If I’m feeling angry, then I will pause whatever I’m doing and do something fun. I will take my “extra” medication and remind myself that anger is normal and will pass. If I have snapped, I will retreat to a safe place and apologize if needed.
If I’m feeling inadequate, then I will remind myself of my worth. I will look at my girls and remember that I have done a lot for them. I will remind myself everything that I have accomplished (yes, future me, it has been a lot) so far. I will remind myself that I’ve got this and there are a lot of people who need me.
If I’m feeling embarrassed, then I will remember that my anxiety has different forms and that nobody is perfect when they first try something (and sometimes still makes mistakes) and that failure and making mistakes is great. If that embarrassment is turning to anger, it’s time to take a break.
If I’m feeling suicidal, then I will go through my list, make sure I have a counseling session scheduled, call my doctor, call my parents, and then hold my girls tight- remember, I’ve got this!
This was actually really refreshing to do and I encourage you to try them! I will have to put a copy of these in my mental health journal!
Asking for help is hard enough but approaching the world with anything in regards to mental health? It can be extremely daunting. It was a week or so before my appointment and I was driving home with the baby in the car, my oldest was staying with my parents for a couple of days and I was so proud of myself for the independence I have gotten while driving back and forth. I loved dropping my husband off at work and making the drive to my hometown to hang out with my parents.
But this drive was different.
I started feeling an intense feeling of dread come up over me. I didn’t want to leave. The thought of being in the apartment with an impending doom was the last thing that I wanted. Without even realizing what was happening, I started to have the worst (panic?) episode to date. I felt like I had no control over myself and I was internally screaming. I felt like the brakes were out, I was scared for my life, and there was no safe place to pull over. So, I forced myself to remember that my baby is in the car and it was the longest, scariest ride of my life.
By the time I got to my husband’s work, I climbed out of the car and hyperventilated against the car, the door to the backseat was opened and I watched my beautiful baby content in her dreams. I cried and my husband came out to see me – he asked what was wrong and I bawled my eyes out more, whole body shaking.
That was when I realized I needed to make a choice.
To continue suffering in silence or tell someone, anyone, what I was feeling.
It got worse before it got better – the date of my doctor appointment was coming up quick. The night before, I was walking around with the baby, singing You Are My Sunshine with tears in my eyes.
“This is it,” I thought. “They are going to take my girls from me – the only things that keep me going.”
I cried and shook as the voices that were not my own got louder, I got weaker, I felt sensations that were not there, and I got scared of seeing more hullucinations.
I told Nathan that I want to back out – that they would take the girls, that I don’t want to be sent away, that I didn’t want to accept the new title that could be around the corner. I took online quizzes (yes, I know that’s not in lieu of a professional diagnosis) and I wasn’t happy about the answer.
Nathan told me that he would be there and that this was going to help me. He told me that I’m feeling anxious because of the voices. He begged me not to listen. I told him to turn around, told him that I can’t, told him that I’m scared. But more than that, I cried.
I cried because acceptance is one of the hardest things.
I told him he had to go into the room with me or that I would chicken out. I told him I was scared. He walked with me into the tiny room and supported me with slight touches when I would answer the questions truthfully.
That there were hullucinations.
That I heard voices.
That I had thoughts of suicide and had felt hopeless.
If you have ever been “evaluated” for a mental health condition, you would probably know the questions.
I told the doctor about my grandmother having depression, had died by her own hands, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia; something I had just learned a week prior to my appointment.
The sound of the keys on the computer induced more anxiety, it felt like the room was getting colder and smaller. I felt like I was slipping into another reality.
My doctor put in a referral to a psychiatrist, but that it will take several months to get in. She said there is not a lot of research on if mental disorders are hereditary and since I’m the oldest, we just have no way of knowing. For the meantime, she urged me to try medication. It was scary to say yes.
I was put on Sertraline, which is an antidepressant commonly referred to as “Zoloft” and I was scared. In fact, I postponed taking the first dose for a really long time. But, my husband urged me to take it and to be honest with him with how I’m feeling.
The first day was the worst and I had an overwhelming sense of dread consume me. I hated it. I felt the barrier and when I reached it, I grew frustrated.
Then I had a week or so of feeling amazing; honestly, I loved being on it. I was actually cheerful and it was easier for me to go out and about. I was really happy that I “forced” myself to try it.
But then something happened.
I seemed to have built what I describe as a tolerance for it. I would take my medication in the morning and by dinnertime, I was a hot mess. I would feel depressed and I suffered with it.
That’s why my doctor set an appointment for me to be able to check in with her. So, I told her everything and she suggested going up to 50 mg. I was nervous but I decided to try it. She informed me that if this doesn’t help, then I can go up to the full dosage (100 mg) and that just scares me. However, I agreed and was instructed to finish my old medications with two a day instead of my one.
It didn’t really touch me.
It seems to vary by day on if it works like a charm or if it doesn’t touch me at all.
Today was the first day of taking my new medication (the 50 mg.) and it didn’t really help me at all. I got into a huge fight with my husband after feeling minimized and had a panic attack in the car where I started crying and shaking. Panic attacks, for me anyway, usually involve shaking, crying, and hyperventilating. They’re scary but I managed to get through it.
I would say that I have experienced every emotion that you can have today and I don’t think this is normal. It has only been the first day so I’m going to give it some time for me to adjust.
So, is it working?
Yeah, I would say that more often than not, the medication has helped me. The thing is that they work on a “normal” day but if I’m overwhelmed, triggered, or paranoid – it barely touches the surface of the feelings. It doesn’t really stop the voices either. But, I haven’t had any hallucinations or heavy paranoia since starting them.
There is this huge stigma with medication and I was “raised” to be against them, too. I was so scared because medication has a negative history in my family but it seems to be doing better with me. In fact, informing my father about me being evaluated and placed on medication was extremely hard. I could taste his familiar fear over the phone.
It has definitely helped with minimizing triggers than what they were before but they do not prevent me from escalating with my anger, or panic attacks.
And on my worst days, it makes everything harder.
Regardless, I’m thankful for the medication because it has definitely helped. That with my therapy just makes me feel like I’m not hidden away anymore. I feel like there is hope.
And that is something I haven’t felt for a really long time.
I can’t say what the long-term benefits (or side effects) of medication is and please note that it is different for every person. I’m only about a month in for taking them and, for me, I have felt better with them.
Yes, it can be hard to take a pill every day because of my overdose last year, but I have been doing much better than I was ever anticipating.
I will update on this another time.
Thanks for reading.
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When I discovered my love for bullet journaling, I came across an exercise called the “Level 10 Life”. After some research for this post, I discovered it was created by Hal Elrod in his book “The Miracle Morning” which I was happy to add to my TBR list on my Kindle Unlimited app.
It’s essentially an exercise where you assess ten areas of your life from 0 (most dissatisfied) to 10 (most satisfied) and create a plan where you improve those areas. It forces you to visualize where your life is currently at and to create goals (which you know I love if you’re a frequent reader) to improve those aspects.
I haven’t read the book, so I cannot attest to what the author says in this, but I have done this exercise a couple of times because of watching thousands of people create the Level 10 spread in their bullet journal – starting with Kara from Boho Berry and I knew I had to make it a habit to check.
So, I figured I would take some time to assess ten areas of my life and see where I’m lacking. That’s really important with personal growth; you cannot move beyond and improve without looking at your true feelings and satisfaction in your life.
The original sections that are in this exercise are:
Family & Friends
Personal Development
Spirituality
Finances
Career
Marriage
Fun & Recreation
Giving & Contribution
Physical Environment
Health & Fitness
But, for me, my life is a little bit different – so I want to adjust it a little bit.
Family & Friends
Personal Growth
Spirituality
Blogging
Marriage
Parenting
Physical Environment
Mental Health
Hobbies
Productivity
LEVEL 10 LIFE GRAPH
The first thing that I did was “bite the bullet” and opened up the dot grid journal that I have been saving for the new year. Honestly, it brought a lot of excitement into my body. I love that it comes with a ruler so I flipped to the first page and started working on my graph. I did my numbers going vertically and my sections are in horizontal.
I decided to do colors for the graphs and the more satisfied I am, the higher the bar.
I love how pretty it comes out!
Here is where everything is valued:
0 -There is nothing here.
1 – Nothing
2 – Nothing
3 – Nothing.
4 – Physical Environment, Hobbies
5 – Spirituality, Marriage, Productivity
6 – Mental Health
7 – Family & Friends,
8 – Parenting
9 – Blogging, Personal Growth
10 – Nothing.
LEVEL 10 REASONING & GOALS
The other page that I did is a list of goals on how I can improve (the idea is to have them all become a 10, if that is even possible) in the areas. I did my best to match the colors (because I didn’t think about it beforehand) and sectioned the paper into ten spaces.
I know why I rated everything the way that I did and I’m going to get into that in a minute. But it’s SO important to grow from what you’re dealing with; how can you improve? I’m a pessimist and I could do it. I also did the number so that it was much easier to quickly glance.
Family & Friends:
7 – I have gotten into contact with a lot of my family members recently. My cousins have visited quite a few times and we spend a lot of time talking; we even have a group Snapchat so that we can send pictures and communicate. I have reached out to aunts and other cousins. I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and children. I also get along with my father-in-law.
As for friends? I don’t have a lot but I do talk to my best friend a bit.
How can I improve?
Visit my parents more.
Reach out first.
Get more social to make new friends.
Come to peace with those I’m not longer friends with.
Organize family gatherings.
Personal Growth
9 – I have been doing a really good job in my personal growth and improving the person that I am. I have been more intentional with what I do and have been doing my best to improve. Reflection and discovering more about yourself does wonders when it comes to personal development & growth.
How can I improve?
Keep doing exercises (like this).
Learn more about myself.
Heal.
Spirituality
5 – If you have been keeping up with my blog for awhile then you know that I’m one of those people who believe in the Universe, astrology, and those sorts of things. I believe in ghosts, in nature, and all things among that sort of thing. I do check my horoscope multiple times, I have a tarot app on my phone, and I’ve been trying to trust the world around me more.
How can I improve?
Have more faith in purpose.
Get an official Tarot deck.
Research.
Blogging:
9 – If I had done this exercise before the much needed changes on my blog, this would be a lot lower. I’m so happy with my new method in planning blog posts, I love the organization from minimal categories and it brought so much passion back into my blog. I love writing and expressing myself and this actually feels better.
How can I improve?
Stick to my schedule
Be more intentional
Learn how to promote
Improve photography
Proofread & plan
Marriage
5 – I love my husband, I really do, but marriage is so hard. They never really told me that “for better or worse” would entail what I’m going through now. My marriage brings a lot of pain, anxiety, and downright fear into my life. It hasn’t been great but it also couldn’t be lower than a 5 because we have improved communication, have gone to therapy for ourselves, and have an idea on what is going to happen when things close up with his case. I’ll get into that another time.
How can I improve?
Get through this mess.
Give & take = more balance.
Move on from past pain.
Do marriage exercises/counseling.
Parenting:
8 – I have two little girls and I love them more than I love anybody else. I want to protect and nurture them. I want to be the one to raise them. I want to do what I feel is best for their well-being. But, I’m not perfect. I have lost my temper with both of them. I have cried because of stress. I have moments where I do nothing but hold a crying baby all day or moments where I’m wondering what to do next. I have gotten much better though; I’m ashamed to know that there were days where I would scream at my oldest daughter. There have been days where I cried and wanted to just leave. It’s really hard to be a parent, okay?
But I have gotten so much better. I sing or make them laugh when I’m feeling frustrated, I have gotten help, I don’t lose my temper nearly as much as I used to.
How can I improve?
Play more
Balance between them a little more.
Enjoy the moments, they’re only this little once.
Calm down techniques
Be easy on myself when I lose it.
Ask for help when I need it.
Physical Environment:
4 – This is definitely one of the lowest ones on my list. It has gotten a lot better than it used to be but it could have many ways to improve because it makes me anxious. I have been working myself into a routine with getting my apartment back together and have been looking around, a lot, at what surrounds me.
How can I improve?
Cleaning schedule created.
Declutter
Become a minimalist
Mental Health:
6 – I did it. I reached out to professionals about the reality of how I have been feeling and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I have a doctor who is on board with my mental health and a fantastic therapist. I’m on medication, obviously in therapy, and have been more open with others.
How can I improve?
Keep going to therapy.
Try group sessions.
Take my medications
Be honest with professionals.
Start a mental health journal.
Hobbies:
4 – I have been doing a little bit better on this but I often will be upset because (again) I’m holding a baby most of the day and bonding with my husband when I’m not. It can make somebody resentful and what kind of life is that?
How can I improve?
Do more of what I love.
Try new things.
Productivity
5 – This falls under a lot of these but my productivity varies per day. I have been working more on getting my life together and it’s not easy; especially after a dark period in your life. I have been trying to get back into using my planner a lot more, giving myself one task to do, and doing cleaning in short, fifteen minutes bursts to prevent burning out. It’s still hard.
How can I improve?
Use my planner more.
Remember that less = more in regards to getting things done. It’s better to focus on one thing wholeheartedly than a million to overwhelm me.
Research & try other methods.
This exercise is a lot of fun and it’s nice to see a visual representation of what you’re happy about and where you need improvements in order to be more satisfied with your life.
I encourage you to check this one out.
Thanks for reading.
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I was going to do a more “in-depth” post about the subject of my husband’s mental health but that will have to wait for another day. One thing about the realm of mental health is that there is SO much stigma around it; especially when it comes to men and their emotions, feelings, and events that happen to them.
I wanted to sit and take a moment to ask my husband ten questions relating to mental health and really give him a space to open up about it. Before we started, I, of course, mentioned this interview was for my blog and he gave the go-ahead to share with you how he has been feeling and his experience with his mental illness.
So, here it goes!
1.| First things first, what conditions are you struggling with?
Depression, anxiety and PTSD and TBA.
2.| What is the hardest thing about your mental illness?
Uh, not feeling in control with it. Like, not knowing what to expect.
3.| Do you believe that men have a heavy stigma around mental health? If so, what are some common misconceptions about men suffering with mental health issues?
Yes and “nut up or shut up” is what you’re taught in “How To Be A Man”.
4.| What is one thing that you have learned going through these conditions yourself?
That it’s very, very hard and you can’t stop it – it keeps coming like a current pulling you down the river.
5.| What is it like having to worry about my mental health on top of your own? Do you think this has made us closer or grow further apart?
I think it has been both bringing us together and pulling us apart. We’re closer because we have a better understanding of each other and try to support one another but we struggle when we’re both in the cycle.
Worrying about you is hard because if I can’t help you then I feel like you shouldn’t have to help me. You can’t really do both, I guess, it’s hard. Very, very, hard.
6.| How do you practice self-care?
I don’t really.
7.| What helps you the most when you’re feeling at your lowest?
To be honest, I’m unsure.
8.| Do you have a crisis plan? If so, what’s included on it?
I don’t have a crisis plan. If I did, life would be a little easier.
9.| How does your mental illness affect your daily life?
I miss out on work, I’m unhappy a lot more, I beat myself down, I’m more exhausted. Minor tiffs turn into major ones because of my mental state.
10.| What advice would you give to others struggling with their own mental illnesses?
I know it’s tough and it takes a lot of strength to hope to get out of it but you have to hang in there until the right motions happen and believe that everything will turn out okay.
There is a mini interview with Nathan about what his mental health is like. It’s still really new for him to experience but I thought it was interesting to see what his answers were. I can tell that we need to make a point to figure out self-care, create a crisis plan, and find him a safe alternative when he’s at a low point.
I love you, Nathan! Thank you for answering these questions about your emotions because I know it’s complicated for you to open up about it.
Today I want to talk about wanting to successfully achieve my goals and the fear behind failing that is present at the back of my head. There are so many things I want to do but worry about falling flat. I get sad when my blog doesn’t grow, when people unfollow me on social media, and when I just exist in normal life.
Society today is painted as the “grinders”; people are selling the idea that you’re lazy if you don’t see the same end goal as them. It’s scary to wonder and worry what other people think of you. I’m pessimistic and antisocial; I tell myself that I could not care less what people think of me but come on, it hurts when someone attacks you.
Anyways,
From a young age I was always encouraged to get good grades. My parents never had to discipline me because I would have assignments done long before they were even due. It was more of a shock whenever I would get a bad grade and even though I was never reprimanded by teachers or my folks, I was beating up myself.
“How could you be so stupid to forget that?”
“Why did you get that wrong?”
“When are you going to be smarter?!”
I hated myself for making mistakes and for learning my strengths and weaknesses. That same thing followed me into college which was a million times harder than I anticipated; I wasn’t prepared for the workload and it really sent me to the ER because of countless anxiety attacks.
It took me a long time to come face to face with having a different outlook on life. It started when I became a parent to my oldest daughter and we chose parenting choices that were different than my friends who had children before and those after me. It took me a long time to be okay with being different; from choosing to raise my children and not “chase paper”.
It took me so long to return to what I really wanted to do.
Write.
We have all heard it: “starving artists” are made fun of. If you ever said that you wanted to be a painter, a musician, a writer; you were laughed at. They would tell me to find a better career but we can’t all be lawyers, doctors, and surgeons. I saw my parents drag themselves out of bed to go work a job that didn’t bring them joy. I’ve witnessed people laugh when someone talks about turning their love for something into their main focus in life. Not a hobby. The main priority.
People hate this. They hate something that’s different. They hate people who color outside of the lines. They hate when someone can make a living and live a happy life doing something enjoyable while they moan on the commute to a job they hate and pay bills on things they never get to actually use.
Here’s the thing.
Now that I found that spark inside of me again – that drive to be a writer, I’m terrified of failing.
I was never good at committing to things. I have so many projects that I desperately want to do (both related and non-related to writing) that I’m so overwhelmed and once I get this way, I get really down about it. I don’t feel “good enough” to be a writer.
I have always been drawn to writing. I wrote my first story in second grade about a rainbow unicorn and a princess. I wrote more stories throughout elementary school. I did a lot of journaling throughout my entire life. I did slam poetry in high school. I’ve taken courses in creative writing; I LOVE to write! Hence, why you’re here, reading a blog.
I’m scared of failing in a community of writers. I’m on Twitter now and there’s an entire writing community and a lot of them seem so incredibly nice but I’m scared of not fitting in, in my inability to tolerate coffee or sticking to a project. Those that have interacted with me are kind people but I wonder if I’m even good enough. Part of it is my anxiety but a lot of it is the fear of failing.
As you can tell, I’m participating in Blogtober this year and it’s really exhausting to have to come on here and upload something. I’m trying my best and working really hard. But, I’m also planning on participating in NaNoWriMo next month and actually write a book.
Writing an actual book with 50,000 words in it? It’s filling me with dread but more importantly excitement.
Each day that passes, more of my story comes together. I’m scared of failing. I want to be an author. I want my book to be the reason some aspiring writer decides to pursue their passion. I want to be the reason that someone wants to follow their dreams and be who they want to be.
I want to stop worrying what others think. I want to embrace the possibility that my book is going to need a lot of edits. I want to expect that I will be rejected by publishers. I want to prepare myself that this is a good thing because I have a book written. I want to give myself permission to be imperfect.
I get so sad about being a failure that when I see my stats compared to other bloggers, or even a better day, I feel really crappy about myself. I hate it. I created this blog to document my journey and it gets wrapped up about numbers. How can I ever make a living doing what I love if I don’t have anyone who cares? I wonder if I’m ugly and that’s why nobody wants to read my work. I wonder why I have to be a good photography and be a pro in marketing to get my blog out there. I wonder if I really am shitty at writing in the first place that everyone hates it. It makes me sad.
The fear of failing is silly. You’re going to fail. There’s a chance that you fail that test you’ve been studying for. There’s a chance that the relationship that you’ve been in falls apart and you have your heart broken. There’s a chance that your dreams are going to take a lot of work and failures.
But I’m tired of having this voice and passion and feeling so scared of failing that I don’t even start.
So, I’m a writer. I have been a writer since I picked up my pencil and wrote about the rainbow unicorn and beautiful princess. I have been a writer with the grammatical errors. I have been the writer even by having to give up on NaNoWriMo last year because my life fell down around me.
But as long as I try, I didn’t fail.
And if I do?
Then I’m human and I’ll try again and again, and again until my name is in your local bookstore, you’re in the audience of my poetry competition, or you’re a subscriber to my journey here on my blog.
I’m going to prove everyone wrong; especially those little voices in my head saying I’ll never succeed.
A Whimsical Writer 