Goodbye January

Can you believe that January is almost over?

Between snowstorms, winter colds (recovering from being sick now), and adjusting to life in the new year, January has been bouncing between feeling motivated to change my entire life and wanting to change my name, move to a place where nobody knows me, and start completely over.

Now what have I been loving and getting into this month?

Books I Have Been Reading:

365 Days of Happiness by Jaqueline Pirtle

I was fortunate enough to receive a copy of this book last year and I have been reading a little bit of it this month. I’m still not where I wanted to be with this book but I know I will finish it ASAP. Be on the lookout for my review.

Movies I Watched:

Twilight
New Moon
Eclipse
Breaking Dawn Part 1
Breaking Dawn Part 2

This was the month that I allowed myself to get back to being me and that included diving into the past. I dived into the high school version of myself by binging the entire Twilight series (on Hulu) because I had been wanting to watch them again. It’s so interesting to see something you used to love in a different light – adulthood?

Not only this but I realized how much I loved being able to sit and watch what I wanted to. I definitely want to get back into that.

TV Shows I Binged:

New Girl
Tidying Up With Marie Kondo
This Is Us
Single Parents

One of the shows that I started to binge last year was “New Girl” where Jessica Day moves into a loft apartment with a group of three guys and the story follows old and new friendships, romance, and the self-discovery. I finally sat down and finished the entire series this month and I really liked it. I really want to get into reviews here on my blog.

The next show I decided to binge was “Tidying Up With Marie Kondo” – I was inspired by the minimalistic approach to life and her version is a, more forgiving approach, when it comes to decluttering. I never read the book but I was excited when I saw that she now had a show on Netflix. While Aubri was with my parents, I decided to start (and finished) the series. If I’m being honest, it wasn’t how I wanted it to be. Again, I want to do a review section here on my blog. I will say that I wish that they weren’t so repetitive and focused more on the decluttering process and less on the relationships. I found myself being bored and disappointed but more on that later.

One of the things Nathan and I do together is watch shows and we were excited to see one of the shows that has us constantly at the edge of our seat (This Is Us) and feeling all of the emotions along with the characters that is in past, present, and sometimes glimpses of the future. This show is HUGE at making you feel and foreshadowing. If you only take one recommendation from this list – give this show a try! You can find it on Hulu.

While we have been sick we decided to give “Single Parents” a try and we were both pleasantly surprised at how much we loved this cute comedy; even though we are married. This one is about a small group of single parents – both single mothers and single fathers – and a glimpse into what it would be like to parent your children by yourself. We were both worried it would be criticizing parents who are married but it wasn’t that way at all. It’s adorable and amazing to see a strong group of friends navigating the challenges of raising their kids.

Video Games Played:

Battlefield V – PS4
Dead By Daylight – PS4
Sims 4 – PC
Potion Punch – Phone
Amber’s Airline – Phone

There isn’t really a lot to say about this because I have been sort of falling away from playing games but sometimes I like to break out my stuff and lose myself in a game for a little bit.

Songs I Fell In Love With:

I Have Questions by Camilla Cabello
In My Daughter’s Eyes by Martina McBride
I Am Not Nothing by Beth Crowley
I Knew You When by Mariana’s Trench
Heartbreak Holiday by MKTO
This Is Not An Apology by Bea Miller
7 rings by Ariana Grande
In Love With A Broken Heart by Hedley
Not Anymore by LeToya
Lipstick by Elise Estrada
I Confess by Savoy & Colo Bondz

If I’m being honest – I rarely sit and fully binge any song. However, this were songs that I liked this month – even if I only heard it a handful of times.

Monthly Goals:

I kept it simple this month and gave myself two goals and both had to do with my YouTube channel.

The first was to edit my channel art and I did that. It wasn’t a huge task but it took me forever to actually set the time aside and do it. I love the watercolor look that I gave it. Go and subscribe to my channel (here) if you would like to join my journey to being comfortable on camera.

The second (and last) goal that I set for myself this month was to upload two videos a week and I quickly abandoned that one. I have been doing good at uploading videos this month compared to how I used to be with YouTube. I even gained three of four subscribers and that blew me away!

2019 Goal Progress:

I have been doing a little bit of working towards my goals like doing a bit of coloring, completing a few pages in Wreck This Journal, reading, and diving into my spiritual side. Other than that, I haven’t been fully focused on that yet.

Here’s hoping that February is great!

Thanks for reading and have a good day.

CiCi Marie | Navigation To Happiness

13 Weeks Pregnancy Update

I really didn’t want my blog to be consumed by my pregnancy but my mind has been revolved around this second child coming into my life and it already demands most of my focus.

One of my biggest regrets from my pregnancy with Aubri was that I hardly documented my journey into motherhood and becoming a mom to two children is an experience that I’m honestly terrified of.

How far along are you?

I reached thirteen weeks on Tuesday and I’m a little late getting to anything. It’s hard to believe that soon I’ll be able to find out the gender and stop calling my baby “it” and start referring to him or her by their name – which, by the way, I have no clue what it will be.

Total weight gain?

I don’t track my weight and my next appointment isn’t until February 11th so I’m unsure but I’m definitely gaining and quickly.

Are you wearing maternity clothing?

I haven’t purchased anything new but my pants are getting more and more uncomfortable by the day. I wanted to start crying about it today because I’m so uncomfortable – even pajama pants are feeling a little tight!

Do you have stretch marks?

New ones just started to show up around my belly button and I feel so heartbroken over it. I’m thankful to be able to be pregnant but I feel so insecure. I’m getting stretch marks more than I did my entire pregnancy with Aubri. I have been meaning to get into the routine of putting on cocoa butter but the feeling and smell still makes me sick. I typically hate lotion on my skin and it really grosses me out to feel it on myself.

How are you sleeping?

I have started taking extra pillows to bed with me to lay on because my bump is rapidly growing. The nightmares have started and most surround my fears of labor. It’s funny because I’m more scared this time around. I’m still uncomfortable and have to get up to use the restroom at around five in the morning; sometimes I can manage to fall asleep and others I can’t. I’m still tired throughout the day and still manage to pass out easier.

What was the best moment this week?

While Aubri was with my parents, Nathan and I were sitting on the couch and I felt movement (they’re getting stronger) and so I grabbed his hand and put it to myself – he was surprised to see that he could feel it, too. Not only this, but I’m starting to actually feel connected and that will become more prominent as time goes on.

Are you missing anything?

Yes. This pregnancy is a lot harder on me (physically, emotionally, and mentally) than before. My body is always sore, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m struggling with my mental illness more now. I just miss feeling comfortable.

Are you feeling movement?

Yes, I am. I have been feeling something since really early on. I’m extremely sensitive to my body so I know when something feels different. Lately, it’s starting to feel stronger and it’s kind of terrifying.

What are your food cravings?

Taco Bell has been the biggest craving for me this week. They just came back with their Nacho Fries so I’m hoping to get my hands on those soon. I have also been wanting the Naked Chicken Chalupa (which they don’t have anymore) and Nacho BellGrande. I found a recipe of the chalupa online and my mom is going to attempt it when we go over there soon.

Is anything making you queasy or sick?

Now that my first trimester is almost over – I have started to feel better in regards to “morning sickness” I do still find myself gagging over smells but it’s not as bad right now (touch/knock on wood) so I’m feeling entirely thankful for that.

Do you have a gender guess?

I’m going to have to go with boy.

Are you having any signs of labor?

No, thank goodness.

What symptoms are you feeling?

Itchiness on my growing bump, frequent urination, hunger, tired, acne, nightmares, and uncomfortable.

Is your belly button in or out?

In.

Are your wedding rings on or off?

Band is on but engagement ring is off. It typically depends on the day because sometimes they’re super itchy and others, they’re fine.

Are you feeling more happy or moody?

I honestly think it’s more in the middle this time around. I’m not leaping for joy yet but I’m not snapping every two seconds either. I just feel calm.

What are you looking forward to?

Knowing what we are having, choosing the name, and preparing for the baby.

That’s all I’m going to do for this update. I do want to get into the habit of making non-pregnancy posts as well but I’m just happy when I get the energy to write anything at all. I’m going to sit with my planner and come up with a list of blog posts that will be coming to the blog.

Thanks for reading and have a great day.

CiCi Marie | Navigation To Happiness

Moving Forward

It has been over a week since I dedicated some time to put some love into my blog. I have started to get back into having a routine and slowly getting my energy back now that I’m almost out of the first trimester in my pregnancy; I’m starting to actually feel more like myself.

I wasn’t sure what to call this post. It’s essentially what has been on my mind lately but I lost interest in calling it “What Has Been On My Mind Lately” and instead just creating a jumbled journal post on everything going on in my head. This was definitely chosen when I was writing in my journal and started getting some sparks of everything going on in my life. Reflection is important for personal growth and I just want to be able to be myself on my site and I’m getting back into the routine of doing just that.

Last year I got caught up in the following that I built on my old WordPress account, the interaction I got on every post, and being able to physically see how well something did (or didn’t do) became addictive; sort of like how society becomes obsessed with likes on social media, their own content is no exception.

When I went self-hosted I was upset to see that only a small handful of readers came along with it. I was angry and hurt that I felt as though I had developed friendships and nobody would clap for my success – although, looking back now, it’s not like I was putting as much effort into the social side of blogging. I just didn’t have the time and it was overwhelming to put so much effort and my personal life was suffering because of it. I wasn’t being paid for my views so I didn’t want it to become a non-paying job. I was exhausted, to say the least.

Everything that has been on my mind has had one thing in common – the toxicity from last year. I know I sound like a broken record but I’m just not ready to fully open about it.

I will say that I have felt really disconnected to the people in my life. My marriage has been on the rocks for awhile and what we went through just separated us further. We have talked about going to counseling but it just feels so daunting; I really need to get in gear and find a counselor more fitting for my needs (close to home, has a public bathroom, and allows children without more stress) because I could use some professional guidance. In fact, we both could.

My husband is a great guy, he has been through a lot the past year and I know I should be supportive of him but it is so hard. We have our own recoveries and it’s super complicated to get into without fully diving into anything. Maybe someday but not today.

I just reached 12 weeks yesterday in my pregnancy and I’m slowly starting to feel more like myself again. I filmed a video on this update on my channel (you can watch that here) and I show my belly and answer the questions from last week but I wanted to do more on my blog that wasn’t pregnancy related.

If I’m being honest, everything about this pregnancy is overwhelming. My bump is growing much faster and the pain associated with that is unreal. I’m not being ungrateful, I feel extremely thankful I had this opportunity to have a(nother) child because I was concerned that I couldn’t have more children but here’s the thing – pregnancy is hard and I was mistaken that my second would be easier. It feels much harder because my hips, upper back, uterus (from stretching) and legs hurt so bad.

Not only is it physically hard but emotionally as well. I feel more terrified about this pregnancy than my first. It didn’t really hit me with Aubri until the week before I had her but with this one? I’m already scared. You see, I had a traumatic experience and I did such a good job at blocking it out until now. I have nightmares about how bad labor is going to be, I’m worried about something going wrong, and I’m terrified of being a mother to two kids. On top of all of that, I feel guilty for making Aubri share us even though she’s excited to be a big sister – I already cannot focus on her as much because I’m either in pain or exhausted; I’m hoping it will get easier as my pregnancy progresses and hoping it becomes a breeze after the baby is born.

Not only this but I’m so stressed out. I’m stressed that I’m not set on a name and I’m terrified of the possibility of having a son (although he would be loved) because boys sound so much harder to parent. I’m stressed that we don’t have a room for the baby and will have to move again. I’m stressed that my parents live so far away so they might not be there when I have this one. I’m stressed that I don’t know what to do with Aubri during it – I’m just absolutely emotional and terrified about everything.

I’m afraid of a lot of things and one of the biggest ones is change. But, 2019 is a little different because my theme has become “inspiration”.

I have found a new method of productivity called the “Block Schedule” that goes back to how your day was in school where you would be in one class for a certain amount of time with the focus about the class and then switch to the next.

I will do a whole blog post about this soon but it has really helped me focus on a certain aspects of my life. I have only been actively using it for a few days now but I have already felt better in regards to productivity because, believe me, everything is a disaster here. I know I’m going to have to adjust it soon for a better flow – and I haven’t been able to fully commit to it but it is the start to something good. It has been helpful with creating a schedule for my blog and YouTube channel.

One thing that I have been doing more frequently is having a certain time (in my block schedule) where I watch inspirational or “feel-good” YouTube videos. One of my favorite channels to watch is muchelleb and her content has a lot about minimalism, self-discovery, and living a more intentional life. Whenever I watch one of her videos, I get so excited to tackle my own life. I definitely recommend you check her out!

My life hit a rough patch but it is starting to look up because I’m starting to move forward with my life. I have not only started to feel more like myself but I’m improving as well.

In regards to here on N2H – there are going to be some changes here, too. I have already updated my goals and contact page (still need to update my “about me” section), chose a new theme to give it a fresh appearance for the year, and adjusted my schedule to twice a week instead of three times. I plan to stick to my content but I’m going back to my blogging roots and less of a “become a Navigator!” approach. It just isn’t me and I don’t feel like myself when I market my content like that. I do appreciate all support that is given but I lost myself back there and I don’t want to again. Of course, I will create updates if anything else changes.

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

CiCi Marie | Navigation To Happiness

Pregnancy Update (11 Weeks)

I really have come full circle when it comes to blogging. For those who don’t know, which you probably don’t, I started some blogging on Tumblr when I was pregnant with Aubri. I would do updates as often as I could and I fell away from it.

While watching some YouTube videos, I came across the questions I have been trying to find – the same ones I would answer on my Tumblr days. I want to come back every single week and do mini updates and I find it great in order to look back on.

These updates will be a mini survey of answering seventeen questions about how my pregnancy is doing. I have been taking what is called a “bumpie” every week since finding out I was pregnant (just like with Aubri) and they are so sweet to look back on. So, let me get started!

How far along are you?

I’m currently eleven weeks pregnant and it’s crazy how fast this one is going. You may not know this, but pregnancy is not only measured in weeks (typically 40) but also counts by the day – so tomorrow I will be 11 + 2 weeks along. It’s like a code of pregnancy – it’s so strange. In nine weeks I will be halfway through my pregnancy – that’s so insane!

Total weight gain?

I was never somebody who weighed herself beforehand. My average weight from memory was roughly 130 pounds and at my last appointment I was 158 pounds. I’m not too concerned because eating is difficult for me in this first trimester so I’m hoping I feel much better after I’m clear of it. So, answering this question is hard because I didn’t have anything to go off of pre-pregnancy. So, from here on out, I will compare it to 158.

Are you wearing maternity clothing?

Not really but I have been living in my comfortable pants; pajamas, sweatpants, yoga pants, Nathan’s clothing. Just the thought of wearing jeans hurts so I’m not wearing branded “maternity clothing” but I have been wearing loose band pants.

Do you have stretch marks?

Yes! I already had some from Aubri but I have been finding new ones, uh, below the waist line. They are honestly a little bothersome but it shows me that the baby is growing so I’m happy about it. It’s just a little bit of insecurity that goes along with it.

How are you sleeping?

One thing that has been really prominent is how uncomfortable I am physically with this pregnancy. I do fall and stay asleep pretty easily right now but I find myself feeling sore and achy when I’m trying to get in a nice position. I need to get my hands on a body pillow for later because I know I’m going to be needing it.

What was the best moment of this week?

So, since my 11 weeks just started, I’m going to be using this question as a (from previous mark to this one) – the best part has been starting to really feel like I’m pregnant. I have been spending a bit more time after I’m alone to bond with my second child. I know the baby cannot hear me yet but I feel more connected. It has been hard but it makes it all feel more real.

Are you missing anything?

Yes! I miss being my own person and being able to decide what I do with my body. I miss being able to eat whatever I want. I miss being able to have some alcohol if I please. And, I miss being able to think ahead without the worry of “oh yeah, the baby!” I just miss the independence I JUST got back.

Are you feeling movement?

Yes, I have been feeling a little bit of fluttering here and there. I felt Aubri early so it makes sense that I’m already feeling this one. It’s quick but I feel the difference. It definitely is more prominent at night but after seeing how much the baby moved around on the ultrasound, I’m not surprised that I have been feeling something.

What are your food cravings?

I have been craving cheeseburgers, salad, and strawberry shortcake like CRAZY now. I have also been wanting to get my hands on some jelly donuts. This pregnancy is definitely more “savory/salty” cravings.

Is anything making you queasy or sick?

Oh yeah! I can’t do anything without gagging or wanting to run to the bathroom. I have to use a kid’s toothbrush so I don’t throw up. I’m definitely more sick with this one. My sickness often hits at night but drinking ginger ale and chewing on Pepto tablets has been impossible. I’m worried about how hard it is to eat but I’m following my body cues.

Do you have a gender guess?

I honestly have no clue but I’m leaning towards a boy with this one. I was right with Aubri so maybe mother’s intuition is a thing this time around, too? I plan to do a post on testing Old Wives Tales with predicting the gender and a few other tests before finding out what we are having. I also don’t have a clue what the name will be. It’s all so much harder this time!

Are you having any signs of labor?

No – which is a good thing. I have been feeling crampy and stretching but nothing serious. I’m terrified of labor this time around – more than before, is that weird?

What symptoms are you feeling?

7The most prominent ones have been “morning” sickness (mine hits at night), moody, exhausted (which is why I’m slacking with my blog and channel), and I’m slowly starting to feel more hunger. Also, my skin is usually spotless but I have been breaking out like CRAZY.

Is your belly button in or out?

It’s still in!

Are your wedding rings on or off?

More often than not I take them off because they feel a little bit itchier, heavier, and my engagement ring keeps falling off my finger.

Are you feeling more happy or moody?

More often than not, I feel moody. My fuse is so short and I feel so terrible about it. I’m hoping to feel more like me soon.

What are you looking forward to?

I have decided to celebrate this second baby & pregnancy by having a “Baby Brunch” where we have breakfast food and discover what the gender is with our family members (and whoever goes). But this isn’t really a “gift giving” thing – I just want to celebrate this one, too, and I don’t care what others think. It’s crazy we will be doing all this in the next couple of months! Wow!

So, there is my pregnancy update for this week! Thank you for following this journey.

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

CiCi Marie | Navigation To Happiness

Pregnancy Announcement

A couple of months ago, I shared a blog post talking about the possibility of being pregnant. I was nervous about sharing it because, let’s face it, talking about pregnancy can feel daunting because you’re worried about announcing and having the pain of heartbreak, you have to be sensitive to others who are struggling with fertility, and it is just this hidden world that I didn’t know about before.

Read related: A New Beginning | Jumbled Journal

One of my favorite things about writing this post was it felt like my original blogging days. I like being able to write without caring about what it looks like. I like being able to just get all of my thoughts and feelings on it. My whole thing about blogging has changed so much.

Today was my first ultrasound appointment and to be honest, I was scared to get attached to this pregnancy. I have always been afraid of these sort of things – in fact, I panicked my entire pregnancy with Aubri – I’m ready to share this news, that I have been sitting on since November 20th, with others.

I was shaking out of nervousness while we sat in the waiting room. This was the second time at the hospital and it’s HUGE – three floors, many buildings, it was nerve-wracking but we navigated it better this time around compared to our first visit a month ago.

They called us back and after providing a urine sample to be sent off to check for bladder infections, I met back up with Nathan and Aubri who were waiting for me in the examination room. The nurse went through some standard procedures like checking my blood pressure, weighed me, asking how I’m feeling, and going over my results from the last appointment. I asked her a couple of questions like how I had some bleeding and she assured me that it was normal as long as it wasn’t like a period. She said it was most likely a soft cervix and it could have been bumped or irritated; causing some bleeding. She exited the room and I waited to meet the first OBGYN doctor that I would be meeting throughout my pregnancy; nervous because some reviews said she was a little tough.

When she entered the room she went over some paperwork, talked about some optional testing, and discussed some more things about the hospital. She then handed me something for the seat and instructed me to strip down below the waist for my vaginal ultrasound. She left the room as I stripped and talked to Nathan about our first. I was fighting back tears because I was so scared – this was it, either there would be a baby or nothing. To be honest, I wasn’t sure which scared me more.

The doctor came back inside and asked the nurse to come in for the examination. She instructed me on positioning and told Nathan to come by my side to get a better view. I turned my attention to the monitor, held my breath, and watched as the blackness turned to a flashing gray and white being on my screen.

I saw the heartbeat thumping before she even said it and I instantly felt relief. This growing baby was doing so many movements. I watched as it somersaulted, waved, and rolled around my uterus. My pictures are a little blurry because it moved so much! She told me that there is one baby, that it all looked good, and said that measurements were adding up well. The heartbeat was over 160 and it was reassuring to know that everything was going along. She gave me my due date for July 30th, 2019.

So, I’m currently pregnant with my second child and I hope it goes smoothly. No, it wasn’t planned for me but like I said to her, how surprised could I really be? I’m currently a little over ten weeks along today and I cannot believe how fast this is going. To be honest, I think I’m more scared this time around.

Thanks for reading this quick post and have a great day.

CiCi Marie | Navigation To Happiness

2019 Goals

Welcome to my first blog post of the year!

It’s crazy that I have been blogging for about three years now but there were so many breaks and “do-overs” that it has been quite the journey. I have learned a lot about myself these past few years from becoming a mother, a wife, and developing into the person that I am today.

If you have been following me for awhile – then you would probably know that it wouldn’t be a “me post” without providing some goals. Two years ago – I approached the year differently in order to “change my life” throughout the 365 days ahead of me. Personally, I was never one to stick to “new years resolutions” but I created goals that I challenged myself to complete throughout the year.

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When I first began this approach – I created too many goals and found my year stressful. So, 2018 was the first year that I decided that I would minimize it to ten goals for the year and I’m continuing this for 2019!

Read related: https://navigationtohappiness.com/2018/12/31/2018-in-a-nutshell/ (2018 In A Nutshell)

1. Read eight books.
2. Complete a coloring book.
3. Spend more time outside.
4. Go out on my own once a month.
5. Embrace my spirituality.
6. Write ten poems.
7. Create a scrapbook.
8. Finish an art journal.
9. Write my personal history.
10. Get comfortable on and with a camera.

Personal history project found on Pinterest.

http://textmyjournal.com/50-questions-personal-history/

As you can probably tell – my approach to this year is wanting to get in tuned with my soul in 2019. I have some to express myself through creativity, diving into the outside world, and learning about myself.

Are you somebody who makes resolutions for the year, do you make goals like me, or do you just take your year by the day?

Thanks for reading and have a great day.

CiCi Marie | Navigation To Happiness