Everly Ever After | My Birth Story

I can’t believe that I’m finally making this post!

Our second daughter, Everly, was born today July 31st, 2019 and I’m so excited and wanted to share my birth story today! So, without further ado – here is my experience on welcoming baby number two into this world!

My due date was July 30th and I had a prenatal (my last one) appointment and she was kind enough to sweep my membrane. She told me she felt so confident about it that she would be surprised if I don’t go into labor within 48 hours. I left my appointment and immediately started having some bloody mucous (my bloody show) and some irregular contractions. I spent the day just relaxing with my husband and honestly, didn’t want to be consumed with trying to induce labor. I did some slight exercises and continued to see my bloody show when I used the bathroom; showing Nathan every time he dared walk near the bathroom. I told him this is a good sign!

We went to bed at around 11 PM and I woke up to a contraction at around 2 AM – this isn’t out of the ordinary because I typically need to use the restroom and it eventually subsides but these were different.

After I used the bathroom, I decided to try to crash on the couch to get some extra sleep and be in my own space – but I woke up to more contractions; again I went to the bathroom and tried to poop – nothing came so I hopped in the shower as the contractions continued. This is when I realized I had to have had six so far since being awake and decided to time them, I texted my cousin that I think I’m in labor and saw that they were about five minutes apart and intense!

I went into the bedroom and told Nathan that it was time to get up and asked if he could go get my cousins to watch Aubri while we go to the hospital. While he went to pick them up, I threw the last minute things into my hospital bag and called L&D to say that I’m having contractions and struggled to talk while I was on the phone. I was told to come on in and I waited until my husband returned with my cousins, gave Aubri a kiss and told her we had to go to the hospital but that her aunties were there and then we headed on what felt like the longest ride ever to the hospital.

While we were headed, I started to worry that they weren’t the real thing and then I had a killer contraction and I was screaming in pain – they were way worse than they were with my first. My husband forced me to call my parents and I made it clear what an inconvenience he was causing me.

When we got to the hospital, I was in tears walking into the building but I knew I had to hurry up. I was worried about how much pain I was already in. I was admitted on 3-4 CM dilated.

Once we were in the room, I got annoyed pretty quickly. The wireless monitors were dead and I had to be confined to the bed. Here was my problem: I needed the tub and I had so much rectal pressure (which I knew I would) that I needed to use the bathroom too. At one point, I tore the monitors off to run into the bathroom to try to poop but there was nothing but pressure.

It felt like it took forever for them to set up my IV to get antibiotics for being GBS positive. It hurt really bad to get it inserted but nothing can compare to the pain I was feeling with every contraction. At one point, I was grumpy with the nurse and asked her when I could take off the monitors so that I could use the tub… I couldn’t. I asked if I could just elect for a C-section now and she said no. So, I asked if she had any good news for me and she laughed and said “A baby!”

I was constantly in pain and pressure from the contractions and found myself screaming.. the only thing that helped through them was for my body to push… which I got spoken to about numerous times but I didn’t care. It was what my body wanted to do and the only thing I trusted at that time.

Before I knew it, I was pushing at every contraction. I couldn’t stop it. I was in a lot of pain and nothing they were offering was helping. They did provide a little bit of Nubain (which I had with Aubri) in my IV but it only took a bit of the edge off. Nathan did great with trying to get me to breathe instead of push and there were a lot of times he was able to stop me from pushing but it was absolutely hard.

There was a point, at 4:30 AM, there was that pressure to push during a contraction. For all I knew, I had to poop and at that point, I didn’t care if it was on that table. I just had all of this pressure and I wanted it to stop. Well, instead, my water broke and fluid went everywhere on the bed. I was bleeding and honestly, I thought I was dying or something was wrong. I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, and I just couldn’t control myself… I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

The doctor of the night was suddenly in the room (probably because I was pushing at every contraction) and checked my cervix… I was at 7 CM! I could feel her inside of me but I didn’t care… I still pushed through the contractions. I kept apologizing to the room full of people. I kept crying to Nate because I felt like I was losing myself.

The pushing continued when I heard the doctor shout they needed a table in there now. I was suddenly being set up to push her out of me and all I could do was keep pushing and screaming in pain. I listened to my body because I couldn’t hear anybody over it. I was so scared but it helped the pain and I couldn’t stop. Nathan told me that I’m giving birth and I would tune in when somebody said that I’m doing great, that they could see hair, that she was almost out, that I could do this… and then, I “woke up” when my baby girl was placed on my belly.

It was weird to feel the umbilical cord on my belly as Nathan was asked if he wanted to cut it. I was asking if she was okay, asked about the antibiotics (which I took the first bag), and asked if I tore. I could feel the placenta be delivered as I kept pushing and the doctor said I only had an itty bitty tear and it took one stitch; which hurt.

It was over… my baby was here and I no longer had to feel the pain. It felt like everything happened so fast but she was born at 5:34 AM with only three hours of labor and only ten minutes of pushing. She was 7 pounds, 15 ounces, and 20 3/4 inches long! She scored a 9 and a 9 on her APGAR scale and she is doing really well. It was at that moment, I had discovered I delivered naturally and I’m beyond proud of myself.

Welcome to the world, Everly Rose! You are loved so much and we can’t get enough of you. She breastfeeds like a champ (once she finds it) and it’s so weird that she’s out of me.

I have been feeling great. I like the hospital and how we have been treated so far. I’m proud of myself and Everly. I’m happy to have seen my two daughters together until my parents took Aubri for these next few days. My IV is out, I was able to sleep on my side but unsure if I had any hip pain. The only thing I could complain about is how gross and crampy it is after having a baby. Still, she was so worth it.

I’m going to end this here because I’m tired… I have a newborn to take care of and take care of myself as well. I see sleep in my future! Hopefully!

Welcome Everly!

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

Faith Restored

Today is my due date and it’s crazy that I have never been pregnant this long. I gave birth to my first on her due date at around noon – so, this has been… different!

I had my last appointment at the OBGYN office today and I was really anxious to go. My last appointment was horrible and I felt so anxious and upset leaving that appointment. It honestly made me never want to return. In fact, I was constantly checking my email to make sure my appointment wasn’t switched to another provider last minute. Luckily, it wasn’t.

When I went back to my appointment, there was a new nurse that I have yet to see. She mentioned that I declined the membrane sweep at the last appointment, and my rage was triggered. I told her that I only refused it because she had scared me out of it. I told her that the whole appointment was traumatic and I fought back tears as I told her what had happened to which she told me I have to report it to their manager so that it doesn’t happen again and reminded me I have a right to stand up for myself and my husband has the right to advocate for me.

I told her that I didn’t want to get anybody in trouble and I said that I had left shaking and crying. She told me that the midwife was there today and would talk to me about everything. She said to strip down so that I could have my cervix checked and that the manager would be in to talk to me.

Hello anxiety!

The manager entered the room (with a sheet around me, by the way) and asked me to tell her about my experience. She said that she would be spoken to and, again, I have rights. She said I never have to feel pressured to allow medical students to work on me or that I have to endure the pain just because – she apologized and ended up leaving so that I could have my actual exam because the midwife entered the room.

She asked me what had happened and I told her everything to the point where the room was laughing. She apologized but couldn’t quite understand how someone could manage to hurt me so much (she pinched my vagina with the speculum) and we talked a little bit about everything. I told her that I was scared now of a membrane sweep because the doctor had implied that I would risk my baby’s life in getting one and the midwife actually talked to me about it and that there were no known risks associated and that she was SUPPOSED to approach it better, too.

She allowed Aubri to check Everly’s heartbeat (because she’s really hands-on with her) and said that she sounds really good. She said that we will do a NST (non-stress test) as well to give myself a peace of mind from worrying about her movements. Then it was time to check my cervix.

She said that I’m doing really well and to remember to let her know if she is too rough. Even though it’s uncomfortable, she is so gentle that I don’t feel pain. She said that she had reached my cervix, that I was definitely 2 CM and then she said now it’s time for the sweep. It wasn’t too bad!

She said that it went really well and was probably the best sweep she has ever done. She said that she would be SUPER surprised if I don’t go into labor within the next 48 hours and asked how I felt about an induction in case I didn’t go into labor by next week. I told her that I’m down for it. She told me she will go look at the schedule while I go to the other room for my NST.

The NST wasn’t bad – just some monitors and clicking whenever I feel the baby move – everything looks great!

She came back into the room after everything was over and said that she scheduled an induction for Monday morning (August 5th) and talked me through the process. She told me that the doctor that I had an issue with is gone all week and that Monday will have the midwife and my other favorite doctor on all day and night – she told me there is no way I will need to worry about delivering with the doctor I had a bad experience with.. I was immediately happy!

All day I have been losing my bloody show (rest of my mucous plug) and have been having really painful contractions coming more frequently – but not quite where I need them yet. It’s pretty scary that I will be meeting my little baby girl soon!

I left feeling so much better. I feel more confident in the hospital again… I’m ready for a better experience!

It was really hard for me to stand up for myself and my body like I did today but I’m proud of myself for being able to. I’m proud of the progress my body is making and know that I will be okay when I go into labor.

Now I want to desperately cut my nails (because they’re gross) as well as keep my “last minute” hospital bag ready and put EVERYTHING I need into the diaper bag.

It won’t be long now!

I’m so incredibly thankful for my experience that I had today… it was so much better! Even though the induction is a little further than I was expecting to be okay with… I’m satisfied!

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

Feature Photo by Taisiia Stupak on Unsplash

Birth Control Experience

With labor right around the corner, I have been asked by the staff what my plans for birth control are. I thought it would be fitting to come on my blog and share my experience with precautions against an unplanned pregnancy.

Before I get started, please note that this is just my personal experience and opinions. I’m in no way, shape, or form trying to get you to choose (or not choose) these methods. You are fully responsible and allowed to make your own decisions on your life and body and I expect the same respect in return.

Okay, so, let’s get started.

I don’t want to sound like a broken record but my labor, delivery, and recovery experience from having my first child was traumatic.

At the end of my pregnancy, the doctor asked what my plans for birth control were. I honestly didn’t know so she handed me a magazine that discussed the different options. However, I was breastfeeding so I only had three to choose from: Mirena (IUD), mini-pill, and the implant.

After doing some research, I decided that I would go with the IUD so that I didn’t have to worry about babies for years, didn’t have to worry about remembering to take anything, and didn’t need to have something in my arm.

I can’t recall if I had it inserted right at my six week postpartum appointment but when I went to get it inserted, it was really uncomfortable for me. It actually hurt, a lot! My doctor used a speculum (which if you read my blog, you know how much I hate that stupid thing) and inserted the IUD and it was all prepared.

The initial feelings were obviously uncomfortable. I had even more bleeding and cramps from the procedure but I was happy that I didn’t have to worry about anything for a long time.

But that wasn’t how it went for me.

After about four months of this device, I was absolutely miserable. I felt like I had no control over myself. I had constant bleeding, my mood swings were bad, and I was a complete disaster in general. I felt paranoid and it took me awhile to realize that it was possibly due to the Mirena and not just having a baby five months prior.

I joined a group on Facebook and it really helped me to feel less alone because a lot of people love the Mirena but this group had people who had bad experiences and a lot of them matched mine.

I was really angry because I had talked to the doctor about the risks and none of the things were discussed beyond the chance of having some bleeding and cramping in the beginning and the slight chance I could still become pregnant.

But the anger got worse.

I made an appointment with the OBGYN because I wasn’t comfortable keeping it inside of me – especially after reading how many of the women in the group struggled to get their health practitioners to remove it.

I went into the appointment and the nurse told me everything the other girls had warned about. Then, she had the nerve to tell me that I shouldn’t remove the Mirena and instead insisted I just had PPD (postpartum depression) and, well, I didn’t take that too well.

The doctor came in and I was near tears because I was terrified that I would be leaving with the contraption in my body that I could not remove on my own. She told me that she would take it out but she recommended that I kept trying with it.

I was adamant on having it removed. So, speculum was in and the Mirena was removed.

I’m not sure if it was a coincidence or not but I immediately felt better.

After a bit of time, I was completely myself again and I was actually happy and able to bond with my baby more – until I needed to have my gallbladder removed but that’s another experience to talk about at a later date.

This experience was absolutely dreadful for me and is another reason why I have lost trust in doctors. Just the fact they tried to refuse to remove something from my body was completely scary to me.

I will never go back to a method where something stays inside of me.

About a year later, I went with a different birth control method.. the mini-pill!

This was a whole different experience for me. I absolutely enjoyed it and was on it until we lost health insurance and I couldn’t pay for it.

I had an alarm on my phone that would go off every day at 4 PM and I would take my pill. I had only missed a handful of pills throughout my time on it and it was typically due to my phone dying on me or malfunctioning.

This is clearly a deal-breaker for other people, I get it, but this was definitely the better option for me than to have an object inside of me that I can’t remove.

I’m going to go back to the mini-pill after the birth of our second daughter because it seems to be the best fit for me.

So, again, I personally feel like birth control that is implanted into me is a deal-breaker for me just like remembering to take pills or swap products out is a deal-breaker for others.

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

Feature Photo by Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition on Unsplash

Today Was Not Okay

Hello and welcome to Navigation To Happiness!

If this is your first time here then thank you for checking out my blog! If you enjoy what you see, consider subscribing with your E-mail or WordPress account so you can be notified whenever I upload new content. If you’re a returning reader, then I appreciate your ongoing support and welcome back!

I reached 39 weeks pregnant today and I’m not doing so well right now. Let’s be honest, this pregnancy has been hard on me and I won’t go into details again because I’m really starting to feel like a broken record. I will say that my appointment today was… not good.

We were told that I was going to get my membranes swept today; which is supposed to help labor move along a little further. I was nervous but even more so that they switched my appointment to a different doctor… and she did not have good reviews. I had her already but man, I really hated today.

We arrived ten minutes early and were brought back to the room – one of the biggest rooms there. After using the restroom, I had the vaginal leaking again; that I had rushed to L&D numerous times just to feel embarrassed and agitated because I have a watery mucous plug. So, when the nurse asked me if I had any leaking, I told her yes but that it was no concern because I’ve done this a thousand times before.

It took the doctor forever to get back to me. I never really care about these kinds of things but I was feeling off about this appointment. There was something in the vibes around me that something was wrong. The nurse asked me if I was okay with a medical student. Which, I assumed meant that she would observe like she had for every other appointment or L&D visit that I had been to. So, I said that’s fine. I really wish I didn’t.

I sat naked from the waist down for a while. I could feel the air suffocating me and looking back, it was probably because there were no windows in that room. I felt really anxious and upset that nothing I said seemed to matter; how my baby’s movements have felt like they are decreasing, that my mental health is getting really bad, that I feel a lot of physical pain that I can’t function.

The medical student came in first and I knew who she was because I had already met her on a few occasions. She hung onto the fluid leaks and I told her that it was seriously nothing. After all; she had been in there when I was already there. I said my biggest concern was how Everly felt different, that my contractions were irregular so I figured that didn’t matter, I said I’m worried about being GBS positive and not having enough time to get the antibiotics while in labor, and how my mental health was REALLY bad.

Still,

The nurses came back into the room with a bunch of speculums and I reached over to Nathan while they were preparing. I was scared. I hated these but I knew that it would be okay. Nathan stroked my forehead; something we learned has been really helpful with my anxiety during these trips, and I practiced my breathing.

She was the one who checked the baby’s heartbeat but it felt off. It sounded really faint and still, they counted it as 140. I’m struggling with trusting that they knew what they were doing. I don’t like gambling; especially betting the lives of my children – again, I speak from experience.

That’s when I noticed that the medical student was wearing gloves and that she would be performing this.

Here’s the thing,

It is in my documents and records that I suffer crippling trauma from vaginal exams.

I clutched onto my husband’s arm as the medical student struggled inserting the speculum inside of me. It failed FOUR times before the doctor grabbed it from her and SHOVED it into place. All of this to tell me what I already knew… that my water didn’t break!

The doctor rushed to have me get dressed but I reminded her that I needed my cervix checked. I was angry at this point because that was unbelievably painful. She instructed me to lay back down and she shoved her whole hand up to feel my difficult cervix… it triggered my PTSD from the cervix checks before… the PTSD my other two doctors in that practice had been gentle about. I was near tears as Nathan held me tightly and saying that I’m doing well and I could see him holding his anger back from them. He doesn’t like to see me in pain because they don’t listen.

I was hoping this would make me feel better but she said I’m suddenly doing WORSE than before? I was completely soft, 70% effaced at the first, and 2 CM dilated. Now, I’m allegedly only 50% and barely 1 CM… then she had the medical student shove her hand in too.

I mentioned that the previous doctor said I could have my membranes swept at this appointment, even though I didn’t want her to be the one to do it. I felt like I was brutally treated today.

She said she could do it but scared me out of doing it because of being GBS positive. She said it could have a lot of risks for the baby and said it’s up to me. I held back tears as I said to “just forget it” then and got my clothes back on as Nathan held his tongue until we got out to the parking lot. I held my tears back as I started shaking from how traumatic it was.

I have been a mess since coming home. I curled up on the couch after my husband left for his shift as my cat (who never likes to show his affection) hopped up on me and curled up with me. I was almost asleep when he looked at me and jumped down; sort of like a parent sneaking out of the room of their sleeping children after they sat there to support their fears. I slept most of the afternoon away and kept waking up to painful cramping and contractions. I felt violated and overall weak from not standing up for my body and my child.

Today was not okay. It’s unacceptable to subject someone to that much discomfort and pain. It is dangerous to not take concerns seriously and hang onto something that the patient knows is nothing. It’s not okay to belittle a person.

I don’t even want to go to the hospital anymore because the closer I get, the more anxious I am about trusting another medical team to take care of me when 9/10 times, they add to my fear. I’m starting to think it’s better to stop wasting my time and energy on something that doesn’t want to spend more than five minutes caring about me.

My mental health is SO bad and I’m tired of it being brushed aside. I’m tired of idiot doctors who think every patient is the same. I’m tired of feeling neglected, violated, and mistreated by “professionals” who will still get paid and not get in trouble if anything happens to me or my baby.

I’m just so done.

I’m even more terrified to go into labor that I’m going to be a monster at my next appointment so that I can get induced with a doctor I trust and have some control over my experience. I’m terrified and don’t want to do this but… I have to. I’m so hurt and anxious… I’m ready for it to be over but terrified of the trauma it may add on to me.

I don’t know how much more I can carry on.

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

Christina Marie | Navigation To Happiness
navigation.to.happiness@gmail.com

The Thing That Saved Me

A picture of someone/something that has made the biggest impact on you.

I’m a writer.

I mean, that’s pretty obvious, right? You’re sitting on whatever device that you prefer reading my blog. It’s the only thing that has made sense to my life.

There are a handful of different types of writing that have made a huge impact and today I’m going to share those with you!

B U L L E T J O U R N A L I N G:

The best part about bullet journaling is that it is completely up to the journalist behind the book. I love that they can be highly decorated but I also love that they can be minimal.

I have been drawn to bullet journaling for a few years now (planning in general) and the system that I have used has changed drastically as I have been doing this – and that is one of the best things about it!

Bullet journaling has given me a place where I can be productive and creative; I absolutely love the impact that it has had.

Sure, I only use it for monthly spreads and KBLs right now… but I can change my mind if I please.

B L O G G I N G:

I have been blogging officially since late in my pregnancy with my first daughter. I wanted to be able to document the shift into motherhood. I would do weekly pregnancy updates like I have been doing now.

I have since launched multiple blogs throughout different platforms (Tumblr, Blogger, WordPress) and now I have my self-hosted site that you’re seeing now. I have written about my life, my troubles, my mental health, my family, and every little thing that I wanted to talk about.

I would argue that blogging has had the ultimate impact on my life. It has been great to use this platform as a space where I can safely vent, be myself, and know that people can’t take it away from me. I love having the outlet where I can share my story, maybe inspire others, and actually reflect on who I was, am, and where I want to be.

I LOVE blogging so much and hope to continue it for a long time.

B R A I N – D U M P I N G:

I’m a sucker when it comes to making lists. My father always jokes about it to me when I’m preparing for something because I have (too many) lists that helps me organize and prepare for something.

I know that the point of bullet journaling is to do everything in one book – but I love having my own separate notebook for most of my brain-dumping.

Making lists gives me a visual on my productivity, what’s most important, and really shows what I struggle with. I love making checklists the most; as you can see my goals for July and for the summer season.

It gives you clarity on your life and I highly recommend giving it a try if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

D I A R Y / J O U R N A L E N T R I E S

This is the one I have been doing the longest in this entire list and it has always impacted me.

I have had journals and diaries ever since I could remember. I would use it to talk about boys I thought I loved, friends who I had falling out with, memories, and those moments where I would write when I was the most hurt. I would reach for the diary when I was broken, defeated, and honestly wanted to disappear. Writing gave me a space where I could get the pain out in a safer way.

As an adult, I challenged myself to complete an entire journal without ripping out the pages and I actually completed it. I started to reread them but… I don’t know if I really should. I’m tempted to just thank the journal from serving me a space to vent with nobody reading them and burn it.

I still find comfort in writing for myself where no eyes can see it. I like being able to talk about the true, dark feelings that I have without a thought of someone seeing it.

So,

In a nutshell…

Writing has always had the biggest impact on me. It has given me a place where I can be creative, a space where I can share my story and find my voice. It has given me an outlet to express myself without caring who is watching.

It’s fantastic.

Thanks for reading and have a great day.

My Favorite Superhero

Your favorite superhero and why

I’m not someone who likes this genre. Sure, I’ve sat through a couple of movie marathons with my husband but I never really cared for superheros or action movies in general; don’t even get me started on comics.

But,

I do love Spider-Man!

I remember that I had a really old computer game that had Spider-Man but I don’t really know what it was even about. I also really liked the original trilogy of Spider-Man (the 2002 version) and couldn’t stop watching it.

I also played a game on the original Xbox and I absolutely loved that, too. It’s one of those games that I told my gamer husband: “Hey, did you ever play this one?” and we would talk about it for a while.

I love his witty comebacks because they don’t make me cringe but make me laugh. I love the plot, I enjoy the other characters (Harry & MJ), and I’m a sucker for the villains, too! These are really important for me to be able to enjoy something and is often why TV shows that I would cast to the side.

H O W E V E R

It wouldn’t be a blog post without making it a little more emotional.

My real superheros are my parents.

I never really had a good relationship with either of my parents when I was a kid. I’m not sure if I would have even been considered a Mommy’s Girl or a Daddy’s Girl – in fact, I felt like they didn’t even love me and that was obviously not true.

My relationship dynamic with my parents drastically improved once I got further along in my pregnancy with Aubri; especially when she was born. They, Mom especially, was a huge help with Aubri when she was a baby. My parents are fantastic grandparents and I know that they would be the best (and only) option to be the caregivers of our children if anything were to happen to us. I still need to talk to them about it and go about making an official thing so our wishes would be granted in the event that Nathan and I were no longer alive.

They have given me moments of fresh air when they would take Aubri for a couple of days. They have lent us a hand if we needed some financial help and when something drastic happened to Nathan, they drove all the way to my apartment to make sure I had gas and offered their home for Aubri and I to stay for a few days.

My mom has been someone that I would call when I wanted to vent to someone or I would call them when I had a “stupid adult question” like do you freeze chicken, how do I cook hamburger properly, what is a recipe from this…

They’re literal lifesavers.

Words will never be enough to say how much I appreciate everything that they have and continue to do for me and my little family. They have helped me as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, and as an individual. I have developed a stronger, happier bond with both of my parents and I’m so proud that they’re mine.

Thank you, Mom & Dad!

You have saved me over and over again and I couldn’t thank you enough.

So, yeah, Spider-Man is my favorite fictional superhero… but my parents? They’re the real deal!

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

Maternity Photography Session

If you have been reading my blog for a bit then you would know how important it was for me to capture my pregnancy with a maternity photo shoot. I would say that I don’t care about anything else but that I desperately wanted to scrounge up the money to get one done. But, unfortunately, it wasn’t in the cards.

Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated. My pregnancy has been hard on me in every way imaginable but I wanted a session to look back with happiness because pregnancy is supposed to be a good thing.

When I was surprised by my husband (and parents) with a brand new camera and accessories for my birthday I was so thankful and excited because I planned on doing it myself. I was so excited.

I grew stressed out because we didn’t get around to doing it and I felt like I had nothing to wear. Between my cat acting out on all of my clothes and just not feeling like anything I owned what I was looking for – I almost thought there was nothing that I could do. I wanted to find something that made me feel good but it didn’t look like it would happen.

We were at the store picking some things up and I found myself in the small clothing section but nothing felt right. I almost started crying because I wanted to have something new to remember this time. So, my husband brought me over to Label Shopper and we looked around for a little bit. I wanted something white but ended up finding this black dress and my husband urged me to try it on – along with two white tops.

As soon as I pulled the dress on, I fell in love. I’m not really someone who cares about clothes but this felt great. I showed my husband who was by the fitting room and he lit up. I felt like I did when I found my wedding dress. I was so happy and knew this was it. So, we bought it and left knowing that we had something that I could wear.

I had been using Pinterest to look at images and have a board with pose ideas. It’s private so you won’t be able to see it but it’s there. Yesterday I told my husband that I felt like it was time so when he got home, I got ready.

I painted my nails, straightened my hair, got my dress on, and found some prop ideas to use.

We ended up using three locations: our bedroom, the backyard, and the beach. We didn’t really have a plan and I forgot my phone at home so… it was all based off how we were feeling.

LOCATION ONE: BEDROOM

I really loved the beautiful and intimate maternity sessions that took place in the bedroom. I feel awkward posing so we just did what relatively felt right. I would spend a few shots on the bed, holding the bump and looking in whatever direction I felt okay with.

I really loved touching the bump. I love being able to connect to her in that way and it was strange feeling like my bump is much smaller while sitting down. You’re told to do maternity sessions when you are between 30-35 weeks so that you can capture your baby bump but not feel so uncomfortable doing it. I’m currently 38 weeks and I was definitely feeling it!

It was so weird having Aubri because a friend that I had when I was pregnant with her did her session but to have her be four years old while pregnant with her sibling? It was hard, okay?! She was really excited to be in the photography session and it was important to me to include her.

Nathan was the photographer behind the session and he did so good prepping the shots to take. We really liked this one because she used to be in that bump and we thought it was cool to show how much she has grown!

Nathan did so much to get everything ready for our baby the other day… including getting the crib put together! We both thought it would be good to have some shots with me by the crib and I really like knowing that she is going to be in there soon!

This was actually Aubri’s crib but she never really used it because we did co-sleeping. It was so cute to see her in the crib with how huge she is now! Honestly, emotional! It’s so strange for me to know my first baby has gotten so big and our second baby is right around the corner.

This was honestly so hard to get a picture of her kissing me because she would do a super quick peck and pull away. It was a little stressful but turned out so sweet when Nathan finally got the shot!

LOCATION TWO: OUR BACKYARD

We decided that it would be nice to go outside to get some pictures in nature… because I absolutely love how a natural backdrop looks! I was so impressed (and attracted) with how Nathan looked like a “real” photographer… maybe he has found his true calling?!

Nathan really loved these flowers that have been growing around our backyard and around town, too. He wanted some pictures that had that pop of color and so, here we are! We had more bump kissing from our little girl!

I absolutely loved the poses where the older sibling touches the baby bump. It’s important to allow bonding with your children and that can begin during pregnancy. I hope my daughters can build a great relationship with each other and I definitely feel like Aubri is going to be a great big sister to Everly.

At this point, one of our neighbor’s noticed what we were doing and came out on the porch. She asked if she could take some shots of us so that the three of us could be in it. We were planning on using the tripod to be able to do this but decided to just do the easy way and welcome her help.

Nathan thought it would be funny to squish Aubri with our bellies and she agreed! I couldn’t stop laughing at this part because we were talking about which belly is bigger and Aubri said “Mommy because she has a baby!” We love her!

We headed over to the only tree in our backyard and took a couple of shots there and you can tell that we are definitely opening up to photography now. This one truly captures how happy we are!

This one came out so cute and was the last one that we took in our backyard and absolutely loved having some shots together. It looks really pretty and none of these have any editing on them right now. The Canon PowerShot SX420 IS is such a great camera and I highly recommend it!

THIRD LOCATION: THE BEACH

The last place that we went to was our local beach. We decided to go on a whim and didn’t even bring our phones. I sort of regretted this because I felt like I was missing so many poses that I liked but that’s okay!

We stopped by Nathan’s work to pick up some wooden letters for her initials and figured that it would be a fun little craft for Aubri to paint them afterwards.

Before we got to the beach, I wanted to take a shot with my bump and latest ultrasound with her; which was when I was 32 weeks. I love how simple it is because sometimes… some simplistic photos are great, too!

At this point.. you can see how exhausted I am! Being 38 weeks is really hard on your body while doing different poses and moving from one location to the next without a break. I thought it was fun that Nathan got some shots of my face and not really the bump. Plus, I really love the beautiful backdrop of the water!

Aubri is so photogenic that I wonder where she gets it from! We thought it would be cute to have her loving on her little belly while I love on my baby bump. It came out SO cute!

It took us a little bit to get her hands to make the heart shape but she is SO cute and I’m so happy that she was here to take some pictures with me. These pictures really capture how much I love and appreciate her. I’m a little sad these days with just her are limited but I love having this time for now.

Some Mommy & Me shots were a must with us and this one came out so cute. It’s crazy to see just how blond she is because Nathan had blond hair until he got older. It’s crazy to see what your children inherit from you and your partner… this is one of those pictures!

This one is probably one of our favorites! I absolutely love how this one came out. She did so good with posing and love how much her personality shows in these pictures. I definitely need to have some of these printed!

This one was almost tossed aside because I didn’t like how i looked in it but I pushed that anxiety aside and saw it for what it really was… having fun with my family while marking an amazing change in our lives! We thought it would be funny to act surprised at Aubri’s strength as she held up my baby bump!

This beach is so rocky but would it be a maternity photography session without solo pictures of how I look while pregnant? These ones came out super pretty even though my hair started getting really frizzy at this point. I love how I don’t stand out too much but don’t really get lost in the water either. It felt natural!

The rocks hurt SO bad but it was worth it for a couple of shots in the water. I felt really bad because Aubri was hoping to go swimming but we were just there for pictures yesterday. Still, she did such a good job and I cannot say enough how proud of her we are!

Time for a shadow shot! It’s crazy how big you look in different angles, right? I’m really surprised at how well Nathan did since he doesn’t really have experience with it. I really love it!

I saw this on Pinterest and was happy we were able to get a shot of it because Nathan felt like the sun was too bright. I was happy to see he managed to get a clear shot. I absolutely love how cute this came out!

Nathan got me to pull up my dress for one real belly shot. I was nervous but really happy with how it came out… even if I hate what my stomach looks like with all of the wounds and stretch marks! I love the little fake rose that I stuck in the ground, the ultrasound, a baby book we got her, and the initials that she will have!

I had a lot of fun with this photography session! No, it’s not professional but I’m satisfied with the way that they turned out and none of these are even edited! Nathan did a fantastic job with capturing shots and Aubri did great with the sessions, too!

We might do a couple little photo shoots before she is born with different outfits but if not.. I won’t be heartbroken! I’m really happy. I definitely plan to do more sessions once Everly makes her appearance!

So, if you’re expecting and think you need to spend a lot of money on something so important.. you don’t! Of course, it’s okay if you prefer hiring someone but it’s entirely possible to do it yourself, too. We did take more pictures than this but these were some of my personal favorites!

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

The Prettiest Place

A picture of somewhere you have been to

Watching the sunset on Martha’s Vineyard, MA

When my husband and I were dating, we had to spend our first summer apart. He went down to live with his father to work on the island and I had a summer job at the college bookstore. I don’t really remember why he went down there but it was probably because Massachusetts had better employment opportunities than Maine. After all, we were only dating for a few months at this point, so we didn’t even consider other options.

He was gone for a couple of weeks when he said that his dad wanted to meet me and told him to invite me down to visit. So, we planned it for my 21st birthday. I got the days off from work, got a ride to the bus station, and headed down to see him.

I almost didn’t get to go down there because I got into a car accident on my commute to work. However, my friend at the time was kind enough to drive me back to campus, stay in my dorm, and brought me to the bus station at six in the morning until it was time to go. I was so thankful for her. I was terrified of the travel (seriously it was a fear that I faced) but I sat with a nice elderly lady who gave me $20 as a birthday gift. I cannot believe how kind some strangers can be.

Nathan met me at Woods Hole so that he could bring me over to the island, Martha’s Vineyard, on the ferry. It was slow, crowded, but I was so happy that I got to see him. We watched the island get closer and I did my best not to freak out because oceans are another fear of mine. I was so excited to see the island because he told me about it a lot.

It has been so many years but he did so fantastic with organizing things that we can do together. He took me to an antique carousel (which I won the free ride by grabbing the golden ring THREE times!), an arcade, the lighthouse, the bookstore, out to get smoothies, eating ice cream, going out to eat all of the time, a picnic at the beach, watching the sunset on another beach, he did a REALLY good job!

It was honestly the best place that I have ever been. He made me feel like the happiest girl in the world. He was thoughtful with our activities and even found the perfect gift; a pearl necklace with a starfish; it’s one of my favorite gifts.

If you can go to Martha’s Vineyard, I highly suggest it! I was fortunate enough to be able to stay there and the island is pricey.. BUT we are already talking about wanting to go again and bring our daughter’s so that they can enjoy it, too. There is so much to do from the people who love sightseeing, want a delicious treat, want to have fun, want to go shopping, or want to eat delicious food.

I’m definitely longing to enjoy some island time!

Martha’s Vineyard, I will be back!

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

I Hate This Part About Myself

A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

I’m not a perfect person and have no intention to ever appear to be one. There are a lot of habits that I have had that took me years to overcome and there are others that I don’t think will ever leave my side. Habits are one of those things that you either have or you don’t, no matter how much you try.

The habit that I hate the most about myself is that I’m an overthinker and that paired with anxiety is a recipe for disaster.

I like to blame my overthinking on having anxiety. I would often think and think and think and really THINK about scenarios so that I could prepare myself to not have an emotional breakdown. I would heavily round up prices when I would go shopping so that I definitely had enough and wouldn’t be faced with embarrassment. I would have someone call a company in advance to make sure they had something I was looking for. I would think about situations that were better off not being thought about.

This has gotten me into serious trouble with other people, especially my entire relationship with Nathan.

Not only do I overthink about something to prepare myself for a downfall and welcoming that negative energy into my life to “bring it to reality” but I have what I call the “domino effect” of my thoughts.

Here is an example:

I’m siting on the couch, reading a book and I will get this thought. It’s an innocent, often happy thought but it transforms quickly into something dark. It’s like having a beautiful sunny day and thunderstorm clouds quickly take over.

Before I know it, that thought has had a million tangents in a matter of a minute and then I’m thinking about something that I had been working through.

Just like that, I’m feeling really low; I’m crying or close to it and then I’m suddenly feeling hostile. I can feel my blood boiling as my temper starts counting down until I explode.

My overthinking is stress, it’s fear, it’s feeling like if I’m not prepared for something, it will be a life or death situation.

I wish that I could “go with the flow”. I wish that I didn’t jump to worse case scenarios to prevent myself from going into emotional overdrive. I wish that I could stop the overthinking train in its tracks so that I could enjoy my current activity and not lash out on someone else.

Overthinking (and the disaster that comes with it) is the ultimate thing that I wish I could change about myself. I’m doing my best but only time will tell.

Thank you for reading and have a good day.

The Scariest Moments of My Life

As someone who has anxiety, I feel like a lot of moments are scary. I feel goosebumps covering my skin for a lot of things. However, these are some of the recent things that have happened; within the past ten years of my life.

I have a lot more than these but I figured it would be good to share my top three.

I WAS FOLLOWED HOME

I was enrolled as a commuter student at community college and had to drive an hour and a half away to get to my school from my home. About halfway on my drive, there is a Wal-Mart and I often stopped there to kill some time or pick some things up. I was typically home relatively late and left after rush hour, too.

After a trip to Wal-Mart, I went to my car and headed the final half an hour home. It was about 9:30 PM and I noticed that there seemed to be a car that was going the same way that I was. It looked familiar from the drive. I shrugged it off because, well, a lot of people took 302 on their commute.

Every turn that I would make, so would they. I would think “Okay, there is no way they are going here” and then they would. I didn’t get that heavy, for sure sign, until I turned right onto the dead-end road that I had lived on my entire life. So did they.

I kept as calm as I possibly could and headed up the hill where there are only three families that live there: my uncle and his family, our family, and an elderly couple that I frequently saw. As soon as they followed up the hill, I wanted to vomit.

I accelerated much faster, turned down my drive way, and sped my way to our trailer. My parents would hate when I would drive so fast but this time, I was terrified. It was about 10 PM. I ran back to my parents’ bedroom and told my father that someone had followed me home. He stood up and immediately went out to get a look – the vehicle was no longer there.

I wonder what would have happened if I was alone that night.

MY DAUGHTER & I WERE SCOPED OUT

I believe it was Aubri’s first Christmas and we went to Target to purchase gifts for each other. We took turns with Aubri so that she could “help” us pick out presents. I had my idea list for Nathan and had my little girl in the cart.

I’m definitely one of those parents who will cling onto that cart from the moment we got somewhere until she was safely in the car. I always heard cases of psychopaths who kidnap children; especially that time of year.

I was browsing the DVD section when I looked up and saw a young adult man standing at the end of the aisle, staring at me and my infant daughter. I could feel those bumps forming up my arms. Call it paranoia or mother’s intuition but I felt sick. I would move to the next aisle and would browse some more and noticed him still watching us.

I took out my phone and called Nathan and told him that he needs to meet up with me right then and there. I told him I still had some shopping to do but there was something wrong. That guy stuck watching my every move until Nathan ran over to me. Then he took off.

I spent the rest of that time shaking. I firmly believe he was looking for a chance to take me and/or my daughter for whatever reason it was. I was absolutely terrified for our safety and feel sick to my stomach as I write about it. Nobody thinks that something can happen to them but I was terrified that he was going to kidnap her or put us both into human trafficking.

Please, always be careful.

MY HUSBAND CAUGHT SOMEONE LOOKING IN OUR WINDOW

This one happened on July 13th, 2019 – so recently.

My husband and I were finished watching the first disk of LOTR and decided that we should do something else until it was time for bed. I was in pain so I decided to take a quick shower and I did.

I was shirtless as I sat on the couch because, well, I can.

My husband and I were talking about how we were leaning a lot closer to being done with having kids after the birth of Everly. We were talking about a tubal, vasectomy and then I mentioned that I don’t want our children to have any half siblings and told him that if he ever got another girl pregnant, we would have some problems. I said it a lot worse then – believe me, but then he trailed off and looked concerned.

I asked what’s wrong as he looked around me at the window. He told me that someone is looking in our window. I felt so nervous. It was almost 10 PM. I said we should call the police or that we should see what the person looked like to make a report. I felt scared. There are times when I’m home alone with Aubri and I wondered if this was a new thing. I could remember every time I felt like I was being watched as I worked on blog posts.

I decided to call my parents to see what they would do and they said they would call the police. Of course, this gave the person plenty of time to leave. So, I had my husband call the police since he was the one who saw the silhouette standing facing right into our window. He called the local police department and I was nervous as I waited.

I will say this…

I am SO proud of how quickly they got a patrol car over to us. They not only did a quick drive up the road but I saw them do a better search by going back and forth. Not only this, they even parked to monitor our area for a while until I’m assuming there was nothing. The police where we live is always diligent and often does patrol the streets but it feels good that they got to us so quickly and that they worked hard to make sure we were safe. I felt safer going to bed that night.

Always remember to stay safe because there are a lot of horrible things that happen every single day. I don’t care if these were just coincidences… they gave me really bad vibes and I’m happy nothing happened from them.

Thank you for reading and have a great day.